If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don’t speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad. I promise not to come after you with a sharpened pencil either way.

When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.

i thought of going out, but the heavy rain and late lunch made me feel lazy. so i thought of curling up in bed with one of my library books. it’s due nxt Sun so i might as well finish reading it. i came across this passage, written in the diary of one of the characters in the book.

“Melinda endured months of chemo, but now it seems that those months were for nothing. Her disease has returned, and this time her doctors don’t act enthusiastic about her recovery. I’m smarter now. Before, I accepted all they said with a child’s innocence. Now I know that medicine does not have all the answers. I know that doctors are not gods and that victims aren’t just statistics.

Lenny and I feel helpless. We watch her go through the same courses of drugs again. They didn’t work before. Why should they work now?”

i don’t know what i want to say abt this, but it just touches me somehow, like i kinda identify with it, but yet not totally either.

i would say it’s been a long week, except that time seems to have flown by so fast and the week’s over now so i can’t say it’s a long week. i feel like talkin yet i dun feel like talkin. i wanna pick up the fone and call sm1 but i dunno who to call. it’s nt dat i dun hv sm1 i cld talk to, it’s juz dat..what do i say? where shld i start? “oh hi, i’m ok work’s been busy, by the way my grandma died. so hw hv u been?”

my paternal gran passed away on Tues. 2 deaths in under 1.5 yrs.

she’s been in the hosp for abt 6 wks, nv really gettin well enuf to get discharged. everytime it seems dat the docs hv declared her well enuf to leave, smthin juz comes up again. woke up in the morn on Tues to find out abt the news. i knoe my dad’s pretty upset, but he doesn’t really show it.

i knoe i shld feel smthn, esp if i hv been stayin with her for all my life. but she’s been in the same condition for as long as i cld remember, so i hvnt reallie communicated much with her over the years. last yr i did. i remember i did. when she was conscious and responsive but nt reallie rememberin who i was. but this yr i was so busy, and i nv realised when it was dat she started slipping away. mebbe bcos she wasn’t with us for such a long time, mebbe becos i was nv reallie close to her, or mebbe bcos i subconsciously know dat her time was up. mebbe it’s good dat she doesnt hv to suffer anymore aft so many yrs. but i guess it was reallie hard to think abt all dat when i spent my time takin care of the kids at the funeral, and of my own mother.

my mum went for an op on Thurs. it was supposed to be a simple day surgery but complications arose so she had to be warded overnight. she insisted on attending the cremation today, so we had to look out for her as well.

it was a mad rush, gg from work to the wake (which is in freakin Punggol and i hv no idea why, thank goodness my ah ma’s soul managed to find her way there) and den gg home, gg from work to the hosp and den to the wake. but i was glad and touched by the concern from ppl like Evie, Pat, BB, SL and JL. i wasn’t really expecting Evie and Pat to msg, so it was a touching gesture.

a few of my aunties were crying. i saw, i heard and i was going to. i guess if i dun think abt it, i wun cry. but nw dat i am, i am. it’s juz the loss, the regrets. when she was still alive and still like, functioning normally, i was too young. i wasn’t at home much and i din reallie understand her. when she fell sick, i was onli in pri sch if i din rem wrongly. it wasnt only until i was in jc at least dat i realised hw i shld treasure her. i can’t speak my dialect well, and she cldnt reallie communicate by then. but i loved it when i cld juz smile at her and she wld smile back even tho she doesn’t remember who i was. i hated it, when this yr, i talked to her, and she wun even respond.

there’s so much i cld hv learnt from her, but i din realise it till it was too late. it was almost the same for my maternal gran as well, but at least i had sm time with her. it’s juz the, the end of a past generation, i mean seriously, the experiences and knowledge my grannies had. i wld nv hv gotten them in my lifetime, no matter hw old i lived till. their memories of hw life was like back then, the WWII experiences, all the traditions dat hv been lost in today’s generation.

u knoe the funny thing? so many ppl, relatives apparently, turned up at the funeral. sm i hvnt seen for ages, sm i hvnt seen in my entire life. i swear. do they even know anythin? do they know her? hv they seen her b4 in their lives? what or who are they praying to? do they know what they are participating in? what’s the pt in havin so many kids if it’s nt a closely knitted family? ok so my gran had a big hse and car and loads of money. reallie loads of it. more den my maternal gran. but half of these ppl only visit her once a year. sm hvnt visited for ages. i wonder if my gran remembers them?

after my maternal gran died last yr, everytime i went out and i saw old grannies on the street, i always wondered why mine wasn’t around. when i saw kids with their grannies, i always had this half-urge to go up to them, shake them reallei hard and tell them to treasure their grannies and love them and learn fromo them and nt neglect or be rude to them cos they won’t be here forever.

i’m tired, as usual, but i juz wanted to drop a short note.

not too sure who is realli readin this anymore, but juz to say hi to the ppl whom i think used to read.

evie – sorrie i hvnt reallie been talkin to u much as well. hw do i put it? it’s so hard to find time to talk to u, and i was even supposed to meet up with u like since a million yrs ago! pls msg me when u leavin k. muz be careful over there!! will miss u.. tho nt as much as the bf rite? :grin1

damon – yo jie mei, so wat u doin nw? slackin isst? tell ur shuai ge fren dat i miss him leh!! fridays are so boring now, haha!

juz met up with frens frm sec sch and jc; as usual it was good to see everyone. smtimes, u dun realise u miss the person until u actually talk to that person. hw do u explain it? like this one time, i was talkin to amanda on msn. juz talkin rubbish, abt guys all that. aft i logged off, i hadn’t realised hw much i missed those nonsense chats we used to hv talkin rubbish esp abt guys.
den meetin up with ivan. it’s been ages since i talked or even seen him. and it feels so gd to be able to be out with him again, yet things are diff.

guo qu hen shou xi, xian zai bu dong ni.

this phrase is so descriptive of the r/s dat i hv with quite a few of my frens, esp the ones dat i used to be close to in jc.

anw, it shocked me juz nw when amanda said dat i dun care abt my frens anymore; she said i cared more abt my work. and it struck me hw true dat was. it’s reallie scary but i cant reallie rem when was the last time i actually got off work earli. brought work home the past few wkends, told myself last wk dat i wun bring back this wkend. work has been overwhelming me dat i dun even hv the energy to talk abt work. and on wkends, it’s another whirlwind of activity. so amanda’s words reallie left me stunned, esp when i juz found a a fren had to go thru sm stuff. i knew we were supposed to talk, but i was so tired dat i wanted to slp. and i cant even rem which of the days we were on the phone bcos time juz slips by me. darrell, i’m sorry i missed the calls. perhaps u wld hv told me, perhaps u wouldn’t. but sorry i missed the calls.

the pile of work(shit) is still waitin for me in the office. problem is, im such a pig dat when i spend too much time at work, i get too tired, not enuf slp, den i cant function properly the nxt day.

i realise dat in the mornings, i’m usually reallie slow cos i hvnt reallie woken up yet. so my productivity gets reallie low. juz realised dat i dun hv my cookie jar anymore; i’m so screwed. i need to work a lot harder this wk. shite. yea anw as i was sayin, i onli start to pick up speed in the aftn. prolly abt 3pm or ltr. (cos aft lunch u aso feel sleepy one mah) so by the time i churn out productive work, it’s almost 5.30pm. so i end up workin late. but i work alot betta when it’s later. cos no1 is in the office, well actualli most ppl hv gone off for dinner first. so the office is reallie quiet, and i can think betta and i can listen to my mp3s. but den i cant work for long b4 i hv to go home for dinner. sux. i reallie muz work harder nxt wk. lots of computations to churn out. shitamama.

so many things hv happened recently, most recently last nite, but i hadn’t had the time to reallie sit down properly and think abt them. a lot of things are scaring me at the moment but i don’t know hw to put them into words. things are so different, and difficult.

Mon 21st Feb 2005

went back to the special sch today. it’s quite sad u knoe. like, a few ppl were quite surprised dat i went back even tho i had alrdy finished my compulsory 80 hrs. i guess it’s a normal thing to juz do wat u hv to do and nv look back, esp when it comes to comm svc. but i missed the kids, and of course the shuai malay teacher!! wahaha.

things were different alrdy, as alwayz with the passin of time. 3 of the kids were shifted to another class becos they were too old for the previous class – YC, Halim and Fitras. and one of the teachers aso shifted to another class liaoz.

nw the current class has quite a few new students as well, all of whom hv Downs Syndrome. it was pretty scary cos it was my first time interacting with DS kids. the previous students were all quite ‘tame’ and quiet mainly cos they couldnt speak at all. while the autistic kids durin the sunshine camp were juz physically tiring. but the DS kids were scary becos they were very temperamental. they were arguing abt reallie insignificant, trivial stuff, like who was the good kid and who was the naughty kid. well i guess to them it was important to be the good kid. so 2 of them had a huge fight. den the good fren of one of them started cryin aso. den the malay gal i was with started gettin upset and cowered in my lap. so u basically had like, 4 affected kids. so by the time they settled down and made up, it was time to go home! goodness, the patience of the teacher! u cant scold them cos they dun understand, but u cant let them hv their way as well cos u would spoil them. so u hv to try ur best to explain to them but smtimes they juz dun understand. i hate seein ppl fight, so it was scary seein them. i sat frozen and din knoe wat to do! the other volunteer alina said dat they were like that all the time. dunno how the teachers deal with it.

so i came away feelin quite impressed with the teachers. i mean, previously, the kids were difficult cos sm wouldn’t respond, and u had the normal naughty kids as well. but these DS kids were realie so different from the previous batch! and the teachers juz handled it so well. and the other teacher who got transferred to another class, i was quite impressed as well. her new class consists of students who reallie cant respond at all. no talkin, mebbe smtimes juz actions onli. so she reallie had to think of ways to get their attention and get them to respond. which isnt reallie easy.

went over to the other class to see the 3 transferred students. saw YC. i always feel sad to see him. he looks different now, mebbe it’s the shorter hair, mebbe he looks more grown up now. but yet he still cant respond. still cant eat on his own. still needs his mother. saw Halim aso. another one which i feel reallie sad abt. his mother passed away last yr of cancer as well. he was extremely close to his mother cos his mother alwayz tks care of him as well. so i asked his maid, who was in the class with him, hw he is. she said he still calls for his mother and is unable to comprehend dat she has died. hw sad is dat? knowin dat your mother is not around you, yet not knowin why and not understandin wat death is. and he cant speak too, so i reallie duno how he feels or wat is gg on in his mind. sm of these kids who cant speak and smtimes onli juz respond thru actions, you really wonder wat they are thinkin abt. do they know they are different? do they feel different? do they want to do smthin abt it? do they think abt the future? basically juz wat do they reallie think abt?

ya aniwaes on a lighter note, i liked gg back to the special sch aft a long while. cos they alwayz say i look lost weight and look prettier!! wahaha! and alina said she wanted to introduce me to her son!! eh dun praypray man, her son is quite eligible one leh. but i think he’s attached lah hehe.

when i dun go back, i can convince myself dat it’s bcos im busy, i hv no time, even tho i feel a teensy weensy bit guilty. when i do go back, i feel like i wanna keep gg back to help them out. wonder if i shld go back durin my free days?

guess wat im listenin to now: It’s a song titled “Tears” by this Japanese band called “X-Japan”. the instrumental version is wat im listenin to, which is a lot nicer than the normal version where sm guy is singin. its slow/soft rock. yea. very nice. calming. relaxing. soothing. juz the thing to listen to b4 i go to bed.

heez it’s like 5am now? juz finished studyin tax. tmrw or rather later today, hv to start on Fnce. hope i can move faster. 19 chapters and i hvnt started!! but so far, progress still okie. i shld and i hope to be able to finish all my stuff and not hv to burn midnight oil the night b4. sigh. feel so scared now even tho exams are a wk away. juz scared dat i canot rem wat i learnt. juz scared dat wat i studied is not enuf and i shld study more. so scared dat i would die until very cham this time.

dunno why but suddenly juz like to study at nite. so much easier and betta. in the day, the tv is on, ppl potterin around the hse, sun so bloody hot so sianz. at nite no1 else except me. and my trusty lappie+mp3s. juz so much easier to concentrate. and daytime, feel like sleepin, its the reallie kun(4) kinda feelin, reallie muz fall into bed or canot tahan kind. but at night, even when i feel sleepy, at least still can 忍, dun hv to jump into bed kinda thing. different kind of sleepiness, if there’s even such a thing?

now i knoe wat sean meant the other nite. i can see streaks of light in the sky now. feels..so different? i’ve nv been up so late b4, not even studyin or doin work cos most times there’s sch, so hv to be in bed. but now no sch can wake up late, so can stay up late aso. seein the sky turn from dark to light is smhow all the more awe-inspiring than seein the sky turn from light to dark. i think mebbe cos the latter situation is smthin u see everyday? see until normal liaoz, no feelins. but seein the sky turn from dark to light is different, well most ppl wun see it right? unless u stay up specifically to see the sunrise. or those ah bing ge who hv to stay up for duty? and im not talkin abt like, slpin and wakin up at the crack of dawn. im talkin abt stayin up thru the nite. when its all silent, when not even the cats mewing, lights in neighbouring blocks all off, when suddenly u look up and u see streaks, juz lightin up and juxtaposing against the dark background, and suddenly this bird starts crowing. ouch. haha. time for the birds to wake up aso. okie i shldnt crap so much. must be cos im too tired. but reallie, you shld try it. not juz goin to slp and wakin up at 5am but stayin up thru the nite. its a different feelin. nitez! :sleep1

hai u knoe the other day metro paragon got 20% off for UOB cardmembers. but, the SKII essence, think dat’s the one liting was talkin abt, was out of stock liaoz!! so wasted. aniweas i think i need eye cream. shoot got wrinkles under my eyes alrdy!! which brand is betta? L’oreal, SKII, clinique, garnier?

mebbe i shld just go and slp ah? den wun hv so many wrinkles haha. ah abt 2 more wks to go b4 i stop work, and abt less den a mth b4 i start sch. shoot. time passes so quickly, i feel like i’m gonna die or smthin. it’s like, so little time left to the end of the hols, and the mad rush is gonna start all over again, and there’re still so many things i haven’t done!! am tryin to squeeze as much things as possible, to meet as many ppl as possible within these few wks, hai money gone again. yar can u imagine? seriously? like if u knoe u onli had dat much time left to live, wat would u do? wat happens if u reallie hv no time to finish watever u want to do? den how? short short time onli, how how how?

aiyo my intended date for I,Robot juz rejected me. sobz. think i dun want to meet him liaoz. think i wun watch dat show aso. :pout1 wonder when’s the swimming movie coming out? and guess wat, i haven’t watched Spidey II!!! sianz.. haha feel like watchin Mean Girls if i hv free tix, but i dun. feel like watchin Ella Enchanted if i hv free tix, but i dun too. sigh.

i feel like playin pool leh, how? who wants to play? itchy fingers, long time nv play.

i wanted to say smthin, but i’m talkin to rob, and i forgot. shoot.

oh yes, i wanted to say i sianz abt the MFG thing. i knoe it’s mean of me, but aiyo meetin at Kim seng road leh!! !i dun even bloody knoe how to get there. and so little ppl involved, not fun 1. hai. did i bite off more den i can chew? i also signed up to volunteer as a marshall at my company’s car rally to raise funds for the president’s star charity (PSC).

and yes, tmrw i goin to attend the WiFi security talk!!!! man i reallie hope it’s good and useful lor, if not i would waste my money, which er goes to the PSC as well haha. and also i goin for the wine tasting course!!!! haha money goes to PSC as well. so fun ah? think my company’s cool man. so glad i got this internship. can’t help feelin lucky as well. reallie hope i still maintain these contacts, even if not for future job purposes, but aso becos they are reallie nice ppl.

okie lah i shld go sleep, or more wrinkles!! nitez!!

u knoe the M1 ad where the guy is waitin for his gf at the church and she’s stuck in a jam? i think he’s damn cute!!

the other ad i think it’s for Mitsubishi? the guy is in a suit and driving the car to meethis gf at some restaurant at nite. i think it has the Evanescence song, “Bring Me to Life” in the background. he’s sexy!!

hm speakin of which, the Maxda RX8 is chio. and the new Beetle convertible? hot!!

and since we’re talkin abt cars, seen the ad for the new Merc SLK-class? the car doesn’t appear until the end, aft the words “Ready” in white font against a black background. b4 dat, there isn’t much stuff abt wat the ad is abt, juz the guy screaming, and showing numbers counting down form 10-1 and i guess u can tell it’s a car bcos he walks to the carpark. but juz by lookin at the font, font size and font colour, I alrdy knew dat it was a Merc advert. this is good corporate brandin! and yes, the car is damn chio aso.

hai~ dunno why but i think my crush aka cute ang moh guy is gay! juz the way he behaves and walks. haha yes i study him. ooh saw his fren, the other cute guy whom he was talkin to the other day durin the fire drill. they were both hvin coffee today. hm wonder wat he’s doin upstairs? aiyo think they both smoke? 99.99% of all the ppl in the same dept smokes lor, dun think he’s part of the 0.01% who doesn’t.

hm talkin abt his dept, rem the young blood i was talkin abt the day b4? hai they’re pathetic lor. not gentlemanly at all. we happened to tk the lift aft lunch and i held the lift door open for them. nvm if they dun open for me but they can at least give a word of thanks rite? still nvm. they walked in front of us, and when they reached the office door, they open and walk in, without holding the door open for us who were behind them lor!! dun want to say thank you, can at least reciprocate the action rite? if u too lazy dun want to chu li, can at least say thank u rite? too long winded can juz say thanks rite? 1 word, 1 breath, wun die rite? i mean, smtimes it’s not reallie gentleman or not, and i contradict myself when i say dat i wish they can open the door for me, but i can do it myself too. but ignore all this MCP and feminist BS, and juz talk abt plain simple courtesy lor. juz one word, or a nod of the head or a smile to acknowledge the act can alrdy rite? singaporean guys CMI. i hv to look for jap guys! yes the jap guy opened the door for me today okie.

Listening to: Savage Garden “Crash & Burn”

Check this out!

It says that women should look for single fathers as their partners. The argument sounds quite convincing tho haha. any single fathers out there? i don’t mind him having kids, but i think abit difficult if the kids are not receptive to a new gf and still wants the mother back.

Aniwaes, got this off the Merc advert.

“Life shld be the other way around. u should be born old and spend your first year resting, and start work as the boss. den take the time for urself and mk fewer decisions. and when u’re in your prime and full of life, u buy a Mercedes Benz.”

Cool advert isnt’ it? Just taking it literally, it kinda mks sense. the Merc is metaphorically somethin full of life, smthin u shld own on ur way to a bigger and brighter future, ie being a boss.

hm but juz think abt it. now we’re created thru sex and die at an old age aft sufferin from sickness and spendin money on medicine and hospitalisation and we could just die in pain. but if life works the other way round, we could juz die durin an orgasm!! isn’t dat great? haha ;grin1

somethin juz struck me. how on earth does NKF gets so much $$ to advertise so heavily? their CMF fund-raising show is coming up, and they have TV ads on all channels, newspaper ads, even flyers that ppl give out on the streets. All these don’t come cheap, i have seen for myself when checking claims. So how come they can afford all these? Do they take the money that we have donated? Then what abt the patients? What abt their medical treatment? Can Mediacorp and SPH keep sponsoring for them?

how to become a social worker in the hospital like Jinghao and Kit ah?